To be or not to be…

A virgin. Now that I am finishing up 11th grade and everyone is slowing “growing up”, I am starting to feel like Holden Caulfield in Catcher in the Rye. I mean, I’m totally okay with the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend or anything. I even had my first kiss last March, although the kiss wasn’t anything super special because I only knew the guy for a week. On the inside, I was really glad the “first kiss” was over. Now people would think I’m more mature right? People just assume that if you’ve done something physically intimate with someone, that they are automatically older than you mentally and better than you. I know a lot of people who aren’t virgins anymore. And it’s their business and their choices and their bodies, so I try not to focus on the fact that they’re still under 18. Actually, that’s all I really focus on.

I know there’s no time limit on when you can find love. But what most teenagers feel is just passionate lust. It isn’t love…and that’s probably why I feel really uncomfortable when people would just give it up to ANYBODY at the moment. In Catcher in the Rye, Holden explained that he can’t “get sexy” with somebody he doesn’t know that well, therefore, he refuses to lose his virginity to that one prostitute. The person he really cares about is Jane, and if he had a choice, he would gladly be passionate and intimate with her. I used to hear, and still do, that people eventually lost their virginity ,or feel the need to lose it, is just because of wanting to keep up with the status quo, the bandwagon. Every time I hear that, I frown in disbelief, “If you decide to do something because your peers are doing it, you are stupid.” But now…I sometimes feel like time is running out for me to lose the V card, which is entirely irrational because I’m only 17. Being a teen is hard because you’re torn between not feeling good enough about yourself in terms of grades, a social life, and not being able to get into a relationship. All these emotions-jealousy, angry, anxious, and depressed are dumped on your head and somehow you have to clean it all up and get past it.

I realized virginity is a very personal thing and should be held on until you are with the right person (doesn’t have to be until marriage) and you feel at ease, doesn’t matter about how OTHERS feel when you are ready. But unexpected consequences will be there if you are not careful.

Have control over your own life.  (Not my pic)

Have control over your own life.
(Not my pic)

So Close, Yet So Far

After going through three weeks of May, the hardest part is finally over: AP tests. For me, I felt like I did the best that I could and I don’t think I would go back and change anything (maybe after I check my scores in July). Back in middle school at this time, we were doing absolutely nothing and I really missed that. Not because I’m THAT lazy to do a bit more work but I just think we’ve done ENOUGH work for the year (hello AP US History), do some FUN activities and wrap up the year.

Have you ever ran a mile and felt like it was never going to end? This is me. I’m at this point where I’m burnt out and all my creativity is slowing oozing out its last juices. There are exactly 13 slow, painful days of school. I’m not saying it like I won’t miss my friends and peers and teachers, but let’s just say I can do without them for a while. So many things went on for April and May, both physically, intellectually, and emotionally, that I didn’t have much time to preserve some precious time for myself. Too many things to see, to watch, and to hear. Yet not enough time. When was the last time I laid down and read a book I really enjoyed? When was the last time I could slept at 10 pm and woke up at 8AM? When was the last time I could last without a nap after school? When was the last time that school didn’t keep me up until 1AM? Although these were certainly tougher times of school, I must admit that I have it a LOT easier than most of my peers who are way more involved than I am. But we all put a lot of efforts into our work, so regardless everyone should receive the same credits.

The reason why I’m really excited for school to be over is because I’m looking forward to the future: summer and Senior year! I realized how much I can’t remember about the summer lifestyle. The laidback schedule, the spontaneous adventures, but also the occasional boring days where Netflix is your friend. But I think that’s part of any life cycle-that fun nights will fill you up but the dull days will have you appreciate the times when you are enjoying yourselves.

Prom: That One Night (That I had no stress)

Prom: That One Night (That I had no stress)

Expired Friendships

I once believed that any people I made friends with would stay with me forever. The first friend that I had was in Vietnam, when I was in first grade. That friendship ended abruptly because I had to move to California, but we weren’t close enough for me to feel sad about it. To be honest, I wasn’t close with anyone in elementary school except with three people. When we all entered middle school, one of the girls went to a different school so naturally we grew apart, although I would catch up with her occasionally over email (old school, I know). At the end of middle school, I was close with two of the girls that I knew from elementary school and one new girl, X, Y, and Z. At that point in life, I thought, “This is it. These are going to be my bestest friends until I die.”

Little did I know, high school would change that. In freshman year, X, Y and I were in the same high school. We had a blast and a lot of jokes in freshman year and everything was pretty stable. By sophomore year, I had to leave X and Y, however, I get to join Z. We barely texted or caught up with each other in freshman year so I thought this would be a perfect time to rekindle this friendship. At the beginning of sophomore year, we hung out during lunch but we didn’t have any classes together so naturally I started eating lunch with my cousin and/or study during lunch in the bathroom, which I didn’t mind really. Sophomore year was just a really uneventful and depressing year to be honest. I also rarely talked to X or Y, and now I was drifting from Z.

But junior year is going to be different, or so I thought, for a good few months! By the summer of sophomore year I was talking to X a lot and as usual, we always joked and laughed and gossiped, like all normal teenagers. The first two months of school we hung out a total of five times and I was so happy that we got to share and make memories rather than reminiscing about freshman year, which by now, is like a light year away. However, from November to January, X wasn’t texting me as much and even when X did, the conversations were quite weird. I knew X’s parents were getting a divorce, but I still felt being thrown out of the loop as X never really mentioned any details, to which I guess I could understand, but you have to know that we’ve been friends for seven years. In January, we finally hung out at a school sports event and X told me we needed to hang out every time there was a home game. I was obviously excited…until I realized that that was never going to happen. For 5 weeks straight after that, every time I asked, X would come up with excuses-real situations or not- X never carried out those promises and I was angry,internally. I didn’t want to call X out for that because X’s dad was my ride and I didn’t want to seem rude or anything.

Two months after that, we finally hung out, once in March and another time at X’s house. Things were going good until X decided to be with this guy, who I never approved of. Just going by looks, he seems sketchy and he smokes. X would tell Y and I some of their private things and every time, I said I didn’t care because I just don’t like the guy. Usually X wouldn’t care, but this time around, X started dismissing my thoughts and simply just said “I’m maturing”.

So I guess I’m ALSO maturing by slowly breaking ties with X. Recently last week, I’ve been deleting X’s messages and other social medias. It might seem petty, but I don’t feel like wasting any more of my time with a “friend” who doesn’t really have my best interest in their mind. Seven years mean absolutely nothing anyway, because we had already drifted in sophomore year. I don’t think I care to “talk it out” with X. To me, it’s not worth communicating with someone who just doesn’t have the same mindset or goals as you do. So, I guess the moral of this post is to go and open your eyes. See who will be there for you and will care for your opinions, because that mean that you are significant enough in their life for them to listen to you and care for what YOU have to say.

“Some people come in your life as blessings. Some come in your life as lessons”

Only the ones that stay matter.

Only the ones that stay matter.

[Photo@2005 by Hotrodhomepage (CC BY 2.0)]

Trials

There’s many trials in life. Trials are there to define a person. Some trials are harder than others, like getting over a loss. Some trials are from within the person, to accomplish a goal or become the best he/she can be. It’s easy to see trials as big giant monsters out to get you, easy to give up in. I am facing a trial right now. The trial is the result of laziness and procrastination. I came into junior year motivated with an goal to get straight A’s; here I am mid second semester withe the worst grades I’ve ever had. They result from laziness. Too lazy to wake up and finish an online assignment on time. Too lazy to type a whole legit essay. Too lazy for my own good. Too lazy to work on AP Art. The truth is, laziness builds up into its own consequence. When the consequence is made, out of it comes stress, lots and lots of stress. One starts doubting his/herself and there is no definite solution to the problem. I have dug a hole for myself, accomplishing not much in AP Art, so now I have about 16 art pieces in the time span of two or so weeks. I will be spending about 6-9 hours each day on art alone. I have never done such a thing in my life, but I believe that this is a trial along with balancing my other classes and raising up grades that I know my former hard-working self would be capable up. Now that I’m in a hole, I have a reason to get out. I made my own problem, and with about 2 months of school left, I gotta work hard and fix it. Trials will be there. Trials will be out to get you. But if you keep you head held high and work your butt off, it’s going to end better than you expected. Trials will come and go, and it is you that will change.

Trials will be worth it if you make them worth it.

tired 2

Tough Love to Love

I love my life. There is nothing I dislike. Everyday when I go to school, I have someone to talk to in each class. I am constantly surrounded by people from all walks of life with stories each different from another. There are people who do not like me, and I am okay with that. I have dreams that I have doubts about. All. The. Time. I stutter sometimes. Sometimes so bad that I make a fool out of myself as I try to get the point across that I participate in class. But it allows me to value what I say much more. I am sixteen and I’ve never had a boyfriend or had a boy confess his feelings to me like the way how media romanticizes it; I’ve seen all my friends around me get into relationships, third-wheeled one or more than a couple times.. and I am glad I am able to say that.

As I look on my Twitter feed, I can’t help but feel anger for everything that causes the insecurity and romanticism of sadness in this world. Teenage girls with posts that say “I’m lonely” or “all I want is a boy to like me back”. The posts I read on Twitter reminds me of what I like to call, my “Freshmeat phase”.

The “Freshmeat phase” I am talking about does not refer to freshman year of high school. Even though I experienced the phase in freshman year of high school,  it can relate at any age. My “Freshmeat phase” was a phase in which I was constantly insecure. I filled my insecurities by having crushes on boys.It sounds lame and completely normal, but let me emphasize. Every time I had a crush on a guy, I devoted my time to thinking about him, constantly distracted from everything else. When I liked a guy, he was the center of my life. He was solely the only thing I was interested in.

My “Freshmeat phase” was a phase that I didn’t know how lost I was as a person. I didn’t realize it until I told the first boy I liked in high school that I liked him and he told me that he didn’t like me back. It didn’t hit me until I realized that I was friend-zoned for the first time in my life. It didn’t hit me until I got over it six months later.

After my “Freshmeat phase” I changed as a person. I stopped having crushes on boy after boy, while every other girl around me talked about who they liked. As I was changing as a person, I felt left out from the hype of liking somebody and talking to best friends about it. Soon I found out that I didn’t mind it . It was a peaceful feeling, not letting a boy take over my life and emotions.

So why is this blog post called “Tough Love to Love”? It’s because the “Freshmeat phase” was the turning point to how I viewed love. I am so glad and blessed that I got friend-zoned freshman year of high school; it prepared me to be protective of my emotions for the years to come. I no longer looked for love just for the hype of it. I was learning to take the energy I would put into crushes and put it in myself.

Sophomore year, the year following the “Freshmeat phase” was the best year of my life. The acne that was caused by stressing out cleared away. I found myself super happy every single day, smiling everywhere even when no one was around me. That year, I third wheeled more than ever. I hung out with friends from all walks of life.  Felt left out from the hype of crushing on a guy more than ever. But that loneliness made me feel whole again. I was learning, and never have a felt more free.

.friends

The year after, present day now, I don’t think about guys constantly. I can proudly say that I have gone a long way since freshman year. I’ve made goals that I know I will reach if I dedicate myself enough. My Spanish teacher once told me that everything happens for a reason, and the past two years have made it possible to see that what he said is completely true. I was friend-zoned in freshman year so I could enjoy the rest of my high school career, finding the love I was worthy of and capable of spreading.