Tough Love to Love

I love my life. There is nothing I dislike. Everyday when I go to school, I have someone to talk to in each class. I am constantly surrounded by people from all walks of life with stories each different from another. There are people who do not like me, and I am okay with that. I have dreams that I have doubts about. All. The. Time. I stutter sometimes. Sometimes so bad that I make a fool out of myself as I try to get the point across that I participate in class. But it allows me to value what I say much more. I am sixteen and I’ve never had a boyfriend or had a boy confess his feelings to me like the way how media romanticizes it; I’ve seen all my friends around me get into relationships, third-wheeled one or more than a couple times.. and I am glad I am able to say that.

As I look on my Twitter feed, I can’t help but feel anger for everything that causes the insecurity and romanticism of sadness in this world. Teenage girls with posts that say “I’m lonely” or “all I want is a boy to like me back”. The posts I read on Twitter reminds me of what I like to call, my “Freshmeat phase”.

The “Freshmeat phase” I am talking about does not refer to freshman year of high school. Even though I experienced the phase in freshman year of high school,  it can relate at any age. My “Freshmeat phase” was a phase in which I was constantly insecure. I filled my insecurities by having crushes on boys.It sounds lame and completely normal, but let me emphasize. Every time I had a crush on a guy, I devoted my time to thinking about him, constantly distracted from everything else. When I liked a guy, he was the center of my life. He was solely the only thing I was interested in.

My “Freshmeat phase” was a phase that I didn’t know how lost I was as a person. I didn’t realize it until I told the first boy I liked in high school that I liked him and he told me that he didn’t like me back. It didn’t hit me until I realized that I was friend-zoned for the first time in my life. It didn’t hit me until I got over it six months later.

After my “Freshmeat phase” I changed as a person. I stopped having crushes on boy after boy, while every other girl around me talked about who they liked. As I was changing as a person, I felt left out from the hype of liking somebody and talking to best friends about it. Soon I found out that I didn’t mind it . It was a peaceful feeling, not letting a boy take over my life and emotions.

So why is this blog post called “Tough Love to Love”? It’s because the “Freshmeat phase” was the turning point to how I viewed love. I am so glad and blessed that I got friend-zoned freshman year of high school; it prepared me to be protective of my emotions for the years to come. I no longer looked for love just for the hype of it. I was learning to take the energy I would put into crushes and put it in myself.

Sophomore year, the year following the “Freshmeat phase” was the best year of my life. The acne that was caused by stressing out cleared away. I found myself super happy every single day, smiling everywhere even when no one was around me. That year, I third wheeled more than ever. I hung out with friends from all walks of life.  Felt left out from the hype of crushing on a guy more than ever. But that loneliness made me feel whole again. I was learning, and never have a felt more free.

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The year after, present day now, I don’t think about guys constantly. I can proudly say that I have gone a long way since freshman year. I’ve made goals that I know I will reach if I dedicate myself enough. My Spanish teacher once told me that everything happens for a reason, and the past two years have made it possible to see that what he said is completely true. I was friend-zoned in freshman year so I could enjoy the rest of my high school career, finding the love I was worthy of and capable of spreading.

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