Passionately Passionate About Having a Passion

I have never been passionate about anything. And when I say passionate, its not this –  Oh my god, I can’t wait for this movie to come out!, or I swear to God Iman (my sister) I’m going to hurt you if you don’t give me back my phone – kind of thing. Its the passionate that lasts more than a week, a month, few years. And I have never had it. I mean, I’m not going to go as far to say that I’m not driven. Because I am. I want things, and so I do my best to get them. But I never wanted something so bad that I would spend years trying to achieve. Well, I guess not until now.

People always ask me what I want to be. This question is so reoccurring, I distinctly remember being asked this on my first day of preschool when I was just five-years-old. Off course then the answer would be, “I want to be just like my mom and dad” or “I want to be the President of the United States”. There was a time where I wasn’t satisfied holding just one occupation, so I would compile a list in my head of all the things I want to be, so when some one inevitably asked I would say, “I want to be: A firefighter, a police office, a detective, a singer, an actress, a soccer player, a psychologist (my moms job), a teacher, a doctor…” and the list goes on. Then came middle school, where all my innocent dream jobs started to slowly evaporate. I went to a private middle school you see, and they were very strict. They gave me about the same amount of homework I have as a junior in high school taking mostly advanced classes. The school and my teachers would drill in me this idea of high school and the ‘real’ world. How hard it would be, how difficult the classes would be, how different the people would be and so on. Most of us never went to a public school, so the only knowledge into the public education system was what our school taught us. When ever I would complain about my work load, my teachers would always remind me that it would be ten times harder in high school. They said that I had to have really good grades in order to have a good life and good job.

Not that my private school was bad or anything. They just prepared us. I remember talking to my cousins who go to a public school and the only time they would have homework was on Fridays, and even then it was hardly any homework. It was really hard to wrap my head around that, trust me. Because I would always ask myself the question, why didn’t their teachers prepare them for the outside world. Well anyways, in the midst of all the preparation, the idea that I could be what ever I wanted started to fade away. I used to always believe that if you wanted to be something, you can be it. Simple as that. But off course, that isn’t the case, so I became really confused. Everything that my parents were telling me, everything I believed in, and everything my teachers were telling me were started to clash miserably. Now that I think about it though, I think both parties were at fault with their information. The parties being my parents and my teachers. My parents would assure me that I could be what ever I wanted. It was always that easy. And my teachers would tell me that life was never that easy. That I had to be exceptional. One understating the situation, and the other over exaggerating. So when I finished middle school, I had no idea what would become of me.

Then I entered high school. And it was a whole different ball park. Suddenly I had so many options. So many different classes to choose from, extracurricular activities to take. It was, simply put, crazy to say the least. I had my own counselor that can guide me through my confusions, explain to me my options in clear terms. I had teachers that would offer to help me after school or at lunch if I needed help with my studies. And we also had these conferences -for lack of better word- every semester to explain to us what courses we needed to take in order to graduate and get into good schools. And amid my studies I found that I loved biology. I loved how the human body works. The complexity masked with such elegant simplicity. And from there I started to venture all the things related to biology. As I mentioned, my mom is a psychologist so she deals a lot with humans and how they they think. She recommended this show called Grey’s Anatomy and I instantly fell in love. But I did’t fall in love with the show the way most everybody falls in love with shows (because of its plot line)… well I did a little. But the major reason why I fell in love with the show was because of all the science. So much biology, it was amazing. And all of a sudden, I found my interest. I wanted to be a surgeon. Passionately. And I still do. grade pic

 

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