New Year, Better Me

The New Year is so burdensome. Although we all make fun of the “new year, new me” posts on Facebook or Twitter, secretly, we all want to change, usually for the better. What actually comes out is a half-assed list of Resolutions that rarely gets accomplished. As years go by and I see that maybe 5% of my Resolutions are accomplished, I’m starting to believe it has become somewhat of a “bucket list”. If you have a bucket list of your own, you know that most of what’s written are strained from being crossed off because well, most of them are trips to Venice, Caribbean, Hawaii, or Paris, and financially, we are unstable. The whole point of creating these to-do lists for the New Year is to better yourself. It shouldn’t seem so far off and impossible like bucket lists are. Resolutions are really just a list putting your insecurities on display. But that’s okay. They say the first step is acceptance right?

My resolutions this year is a bit more simple, but still contains some of the cliches.

1.) Have self-confidence.

Sophomore year wasn’t a great year. I changed schools (which I don’t regret), but being in a new environment after already assimilating to the high school life was challenging. I remember the first day at FVHS (after transferring from WHS) was somewhat terrifying. I only knew a small percentage of the people that I went to middle school with and even then, I didn’t know if they were even in my class. On top of all this stress, I was SICK. My nose was running crazily by 2nd period..I was running out of tissues. I didn’t know if  I was going to have tests for my Honors class. I didn’t really want to talk because I felt a bit light headed and I missed my old friends. By the middle of first semester, things had gotten a bit better. I talked to more people, including Michelle and Claire on this blog. My schedule was a bit tiring though. I had Spanish, then I had to get moving in P.E, walk all the way to Bio all sweaty and tired, and back down to the “Bungalows” for Alg 2/Trig. I didn’t really like my math teacher- I thought he didn’t really prepare us enough for his challenging tests (the pace is faster than normal Algebra 2 but come on). I think a lot of my self-confidence went away after not doing so great in math. You do not ever want to fall behind in math because it’s all concepts building upon concepts. My parents aren’t exactly those Asian parents who literally would cut throat if I didn’t get all A’s, I mean, whatever I get they would have to accept that it’s not going to change, and sure they’d be a little disappointed. I maintained solid Cs both semesters. In a way though, the class taught me that failure isn’t the end, and that you should be motivated from your failures. And trust me, I know what it’s like getting F’s. I would say I probably failed half the tests I took (mostly Cs to Fs). I had occasions where I would cry often in the shower and cry more before going to sleep. At one point I had a 69% in class but I worked hard and boosted the grade to a B- (which didn’t last long). There weren’t a lot of occasions where I’d score a high B or just a normal B in general, but when it did happened I was proud. My confidence also decreased when I was in AP Euro. I did well in first semester with an A, but second semester I kept getting B’s and C’s. I felt detached from the class because I only knew two people, one girl that I don’t really talk to and the guy next to me. On the first day, when I came to class the only seats that were available were the seats in the back of the room. I sat there the whole year, still not really knowing anyone. I was also too tired from math, mentally and physically, to really make an immense effort in second semester. I just pretended everything was okay. Even when I talked to people I was my usual self-sarcastic and funny- and nothing was wrong.

I am really thankful for Junior year so far. I haven’t really shed any tears. I am much happier but true confidence has not really radiated from my soul. That is why for the New Year…I decided to cut my hair…six inches SHORTER on Tuesday, January 6, 2015. I don’t feel like I have to hide before my long hair anymore. I feel like a new person.

2.) Talk to people. Anyone.

This also takes a lot of confidence to not be shy. I think part of the reasons why I was so unhappy last year was because I felt so alone. I wasn’t surrounded by people and wasn’t connecting to anyone outside of class. I want to reach out to people even if it’s just a “Hi, how are you doing?” I hope I can brighten someone’s day.

3.) GO OUT

This is in all caps because I rarely step outside my cave. If anybody invites me to go somewhere, and if I’m not busy, I better accept that invitation.

4.) Follow through a 30 day workout plan (praying really hard I can do this in the summer)

5.) DO everything for MYSELF

Meaning I should stop giving a shxt about being embarrassed and just do it, if it makes me happy.

NEW hair!

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