A Slow Death

Sometimes I wonder if I am truly alive…alive not because I have a functioning heart and body systems, but more of in a spiritual sense. Am I really present at this moment? How do I know life if I haven’t experienced death? But think about it…maybe you and I have both experienced death already. The death that seeps through you when you are wasted, worn-out, and haggard. The past two mornings, waking up has been the hardest part of my day. I feel the comfort slowly fading away as I move a limb, my fingernails digging into my palm as I try to get my blood flowing, and my eyeballs sinking down to my face. Being asleep is nothing more than death without the commitment. Likewise, being exhausted while you are awake is nothing more than being dead while you are alive. I might as well be dead if I feel this tired.

What differs me from a corpse is my heart. The corpse is free from the fragile feelings. It has rid of all negative feelings, every regret, every happiness it once felt. I am different. I cannot not choose to shut down my feelings. These are the three steps of hell: Hatred, sadness, and jealousy. I am constantly surrounded by the people that are affected by these vicious emotions, and if life is cruel enough, it will send me this broken glass. No, it’s not a lemon-lemons are filled with vitamins to give you strength, every time you consume it. Life? That’s funny. Life never guarantees you a free ride to Heaven or Hell. You are here: the purgatory. Why? Because we are being taught how to balance life by knowing both life and death at the same time. So even if you are smart and agile enough to spot this broken glass from 2 feet away, truth be told, you will still suffer from fresh scars. Unfortunately, you keep coming back to your mistakes no matter how hard you try. There are no gloves to shield you from upcoming scars, you are naked, you are human. However, don’t complain. Others have it worse-they are so much like a living corpse that they go through life completely unaware and and completely unprepared. Their reaction to this broken glass is undeniably different. No matter how hard others try to warn them, just like how an individual is blinded by love, they can only see their path as hopeless and dark.

It’s sad to know that it is harder for someone to achieve happiness than others. Being happy is a privilege but it can happen for anyone, at anytime, and anywhere. Sometimes, you just cannot choose to be happy, because sometimes your situation just doesn’t offer you any kind of happiness. You cannot deny the fact that Kendall and Kylie Jenner are born with many privileges. Those privileges give birth to happiness and a sense of protection and contentment. Sure, if I get into a car accident and die you might guess that I can choose to be “happy” because I no longer feel any pain…but how do you know that? You don’t. Because I no longer have an opportunity, a chance, a privilege to even feel anymore.

Photo @2006 by Dorothy (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)

Photo @2006 by Dorothy
(CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)

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2 thoughts on “A Slow Death

  1. This really touched my heart, for I feel the same way also. Life is a constant struggle for happiness and sometimes it’s very difficult to feel “happy”. You just got to keep going and keep working hard! Happiness can be in the little things; hot chocolate on a cold day, Disney movie marathons, a walk in the park, star gazing, breathing in the cold, fresh air of the morning, and to be able to do what you love everyday is enough to put a smile on your face! Look forward to things, even if its the littlest things. Good luck!

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