My Description Essay (Unedited/First Draft)

*This is an assignment I was given in class. My assignment was: Your descriptive essay should DESCRIBE something (a person, place, or thing) that means something to you. From your observations of that thing: select the most important details, create a coherent sequence for those details, and convey the result by appealing to your reader’s senses.

Delina Kahssay

Mr. Ziebarth

AP English

14 October 2014

Under the Sea

I step with shaky legs to a large, enhanced ball room with golden walls surrounding a floral chamber where the king is meant to reside. Throughout the kingdom, men are standing in strategized lines, wearing heavy metal garments and holding sharp weapons. I watch as people wander through the halls, chatting away with fellow friends. Everyone seems bubbly and full of excitement, eager to see the great parade that is to be presented at any moment.

Beautiful girls dressed in coral attire rounded up in an orderly fashion, waiting for the music to start. The music sounds the entire ballroom while the rhythm of the bass synchronizes with the beat of my heart. The melody is a blend of clashes and soft tunes, dancing the most intricate routine. I stare at awe at nothing and everything, letting the superb atmosphere settle in. As the music plays, the girls start to dance, gracefully gliding through the ball and floating through the air. All of a sudden, I notice something odd. Unlike me, with my quivery legs everyone surrounding me have long scaly fins. But instead of looking ugly, the fins have a magical quality to them, making each fin glow with uniqueness. The must be mermaids, I think to myself.

Fish start to swarm in from every direction, swirling around us, making us see nothing but bright colors. It seems as if I’m in the eye of a beautiful hurricane. A gigantic clam with ridges sketched across it is set in the middle of the ball as soon as the swarm of fish disperses. Seated directly in top of the clam, the girls begin to sing. The music that’s playing merges beautifully with the harmony of their voices, making my ears bleed with delight. The mermaids have the same expression on their face, totally captivated by the majestic song. When they finish their song, they open the clam, finding a splendid pearl waiting inside. Just behind the pearl waits the king clothed with rich garments and a magnificent trident. It takes the strength of all the girls to lift the pearl up and thrust it to the air, where  the king blasts it with his trident, making the pearl explode into thousands of miniature pearls. A pearl lands on my hand and –

The sudden thrust of my sister brings back into reality. Sitting on my cushioned sofa, I lay reading a book I got from my school library. The dim lights and the warm blanket rested on top of me had me totally entranced; focused entirely on my book. This is my most favored position; to be transported to another world, fully engrossed, with the sequence of captivating words.


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